oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
