He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
