just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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