i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
