tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
well most of my day revolves around power hour
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
