plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
