Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
