i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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