I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
