thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
