Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Did we literally take a cab across the street
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
