Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
