Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
