Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
