i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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