It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
