I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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