allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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