Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
and you fell through a lawn chair
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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