she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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