Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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