Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
vagina is talking i cant
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just forgot I was standing up.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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