why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
