I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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