my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
