Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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