yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
