god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
