tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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