sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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