getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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