Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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