I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
