im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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