He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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