you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
