remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
