Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
