I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
