Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
