Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
