You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
