I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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