then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
