she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
