My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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