Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
