I will die if light touches me.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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