I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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