Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
