Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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