Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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